Calling all Martyrs.

It tool me years to recognize self sacrifice as a form of self-sabotage.

Years of misunderstanding the resistance felt. Years of showing up full and departing empty. What’s the obsession with self-sacrificing our needs over and over again for the sake of false connection anyway? Why do so many of us fall prey?
As humans, we have a huge need for connection. The type of connection we crave usually determines what we attract into our lives. If we approach connection with a healthy expectation and if those that we seek to connect with ALSO come to the connection with a healthy perspective then we just might have a really good go at it.

More time than not though we show up for connection in a place of neediness and grasping. From this place of connection, we usually have a distorted and abusive go at it. I think we learn powerful life lessons about ourselves from each relationship we encounter. 

One of my biggest lessons came when I was able to observe myself in a relationship from a distance. Before it was too late I could see what was happening. It was a new relationship and I was caught up in the mystical feels that can accompany getting to know someone for the first time. I had taken a vacay of sorts from dating and now that I was back in it I was a bit naïve. Each day as I went about my normal routine I would check my phone to see if there was a message. I would read the message with excited anticipation. I would then float through the next few hours high on the adrenaline of infatuation. I would wake up excited and hopeful after having been bored and apathetic. I liked these feelings. They certainly beat what I had been feeling previously. I wanted them to stay. I wanted the wait to finally be over and to be done with the cesspool of dating experiences. 

It wasn’t long before I realized that the person on the other side was still in the cesspool looking for a partner to wade in the rubbish with. When the initial shock wore off I realized that the whole time I was the one generating these feels of acceptance care and peace, not the other person. It had been me 100%. That was the beginning. I had tasted what I was capable of and learned a valuable lesson.

I wish I could say that was it and from that point on I never got caught up in the enchantment of allowing another person to influence my own feels but unfortunately, I went back to my own vomit a few times more.
It takes me a bit to learn things but once I do I’m educated for life.

The most recent experience was the turning point. It started out perfect but as time evolved so did I and the feeling was not contagious. I kept showing up despite my knowing that this relationship wasn’t going to work out long term. I made excuses. While present I would be a million miles away in thoughts of what else I could or should be doing. I felt bad and did not want to hurt the other person so I spent the next few months and years staying when I knew I needed to go. I wanted connection and even though it was a false connection at this point I convinced myself it was ok to just let it play out.

Living from the place of intention is a powerful place to live from. When we live with intention everything we do is in alignment with who we are and where we are headed.

When we live from a place that is not from intention we waste time, we feel lost, insincere, and lack purpose.
Once I became awake to the self-sabotage that was affecting my personal life, the scales were removed from my eyes. I started to see this self-sacrifice in my professional life too. I allowed others who devalued my work to continue to use the best parts of me and leave me burnt out, apathetic and disillusioned.

As we grow we know. 

I’m choosing to approach the next part of life from the place of intention. I am sitting it out if it is false and comes at the price of being out of alignment with who I am today and where I am desiring to go. Rather than sacrifice me I choose to sacrifice the connection until it’s in alignment with my journey. I’m calling bullshit and reversing the order on what got confused and distorted along the way.

I’m here for you if you are choosing that too.